Stewards Newsletter

June 2017

Welcome to Flaming June, although it is not very flaming at the moment, I'm assured it is going to get better!

My laptop has been playing up for weeks.  The Computer Doctor tried to cure it but to no avail and so my daughter Jill gave me hers as she only uses an I-Pad.  Back to the Computer Doctor and he transferred everything on my old laptop to this one.  The layout of this one is very different to my old one and I have been having “fun and games” with it. I had completed this Newsletter before I went to Canada and went to send it to Mandy for her part but it disappeared off the face of the earth!  A lovely neighbour came to help and spent hours trying to find it to no avail, so I have had to start all over again.  With the cost of the repairs etc, I think I’d have been better off buying a new one!        

Let us have a joke.  Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.  Her husband was in the living room having a beer and watching the football.  Kate said, “Can you come here and fix the fridge please?  The door is broken and if you do not fix it all the food will go bad.”  Paul called back, “Who do I look like, an odd job man?”   A little while later Kate called out, “Paul, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out”  Paul replied,  “Do I look like an Electrician?  I don’t think so.”  A few hours later Kate said,  “You need to fix that loose floor board on the patio before somebody gets hurt.”  Paul said quickly, “Do I look like a carpenter? I don’t think so.”  Frustrated with all the requests from Kate, Paul decided to go to a Bar down the road and watch the rest of the game.  After the game was over, Paul began to feel slightly guilty for the way he had treated his wife, so he went home.  As he came on to the patio, he realised that the plank of wood had been fixed.  He walked inside and saw that the light had also been fixed and when he walked into the kitchen to get a beer he also saw that the fridge had been fixed.  “How did you get all this fixed,” he asked his wife.”  She looked at him and explained.  “Well after you left, I sat outside on the patio and started to cry.  A fine young man walked past, noticed I was crying and asked what he could do to help.  He fixed everything and I asked what him what I could do for payment.  He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.  “Well, what kind of cake did you bake?” Paul asked.  Kate looked at him and replied, “Who do I look like, Mary Berry?  I don’t think so!”  

QUIZ TIME – a very good response to the May Quiz and the winner was Patrick Thompson.  Congratulations and your prize is in Reception.  A Picture Quiz for you this month and I think you will have to put your Thinking Caps on for this one.  Closing date will be 10.00am on the 28th June.  

On the 21st June, we have the Michael Ball and Alfie Boe outdoor concert at Stanstead and then our Thank You to all Stewards lunch at Sinah Warren on Thursday 22nd.  This is always very good and it’s nice to relax on the terrace or around the pool afterwards.  It’s nicer still to have a dip in both pools too!  

This little joke always reminds me of my Dad who had a great sense of Irish humour. A grandmother was giving directions to her grandson and his new wife who were coming to visit her.  “There is a big panel at the front door.  With your elbow, press number 53 and I will buzz you in.  The lift is on your left, get in and with your elbow press the 4th floor.  When you get out, number 53 is on your lift.  Press the door bell with your elbow and I will let you in.”  “Grandma,” said her grandson, that sounds easy, replied her grandson on the phone, “but why am I hitting all those buttons with my elbow?”  Grandma replied, “What…you’re coming empty handed?”  

I will tell you why it reminds me of my Dad.  When he was in Hospital and I visited him, I asked if so and so had visited him, he replied.  “Oh! Yes she did and she came down the ward with her hands hanging from her!”

Ingenious tricks to make your veg last longer.  This was an item in the Newspaper last week and this particular piece entitled “Stockings to stop onions going off.”  Onions will last for months if they are stored in a way that lets the air circulate, as this stops rot from forming on the dry skins.  A cheap way is to use a pair of clean lightweight natural coloured tights (thick black tights will cut out the daylight and may cause onions to sprout). Just cut the legs off the tights and drop the onions into the legs one   at time tying a knot between each onion as you go.  Once the leg/legs are full, hang the tights up in a cool dry spot and snip off an onion from the chain as and when you need one.  The circulation of air, light and moisture will keep your onions in perfect condition for up to 6 months.   I am going to try this as for some reason or other, I bought a bag of onions and I am going to Canada in a few days time and will not use them before I go – watch this space!  

Two women were talking in Heaven. One woman asked the other one who was called Sylvia how she had died and she replied, “I froze to death.”   “How horrible!” said the other woman whose name was Jane.  Sylvia replied, “It wasn’t that bad, after I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and eventually I died a peaceful death.  How about you?”  Jane said, “I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home from work early so that I could catch him out.  Instead, he was sitting all by himself in the lounge watching TV and having a beer.”  “So what happened?” Sylvia asked Jane.  “I was so certain that there was a woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house.  I ran up to the attic and searched and then I ran down to the basement.  After that, I searched all the wardrobes and looked under the beds.  I kept this up until I had searched the whole house.  Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.”  Sylvia said, “Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”  

FOR SALE  £50   Dolls House Six rooms over 3 floors, decorated and furnished as a modern house. No curtains or lights.   Please contact Lynn on 02392 467531.

Best Wishes.

Cathy Kennealy