Stewards Newsletter

April 2018

Hallo and welcome to our April News and no more dark evenings.


In March we lost a man who brought a great deal of laughter and happiness to many people – the great Ken Dodd. Maybe he was sometimes a little politically incorrect, but he was never vulgar. Here are a few of his one liners that made me laugh.

“Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife’s nightie and say – Here’s the chest freezer you have always wanted.” 

“The man who invented cats’ eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.”

“How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.”

“I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.”


I saw him at the Kings Theatre in Southsea and when he was still going strong as it approached midnight, a few people got up to leave and he said “You think you can get away, but you can’t, I’ll follow you home and I’ll shout jokes through your letter box.”


I hope you are suitably impressed with the Excursion Notice Boards in Reception and the Café. I have been asked why we are asking people to book so early, particularly for Turkey and Tinsel and the Pantomime. This is because we have to pay a deposit within 3 weeks of booking in order to secure what we want. It was more difficult this year to book a T & T excursion to suit our requirement because this type of holiday is very much in demand and in fact I lost the booking at one hotel because I was unable to pay the deposit immediately. The Kings Theatre where we are going for the Pantomime are much more considerate. So please read our information on the excursions and book as soon as possible in order to avoid disappointment.


I had a “Big 0” Birthday in January and I am still enjoying some of the “treats” I had as presents. One of these was a few days holiday last week on Burgh Island that my daughter gave me. This was the most beautiful and wonderful place I have ever been to and we had glorious weather. It is a very small Island off the coast of South Devon and it was the Hotel that Agatha Christie based some of her stories, particularly “And Then There Were None” and “Evil Under The Sun.” Cars are not allowed on the Island so when you arrive you are shown into a safe parking area and you are taken across either by the Sea Tractor or a 4x4 depending on the tide. When the tide is out it is easy to walk back to the mainland if you want to. On the Island the only other place is the 14th century authentic Pilchard Inn which was the haunt of Smugglers. The suites and rooms in the Hotel are all named after famous people who stayed there. Look it up on the Internet if you would like to know more about it.


Did quite a lot of reading while I was away and one that had the headline, “We would like to consign the following terms to the dustbin of conversation - helpful alternatives are provided.” (I have to say that I agree with many of these).

Bang on trend -  fashionable

Basically -  essentially

Classy -  elegant

Enjoy -  no alternative, just don’t say it

Bless -  again, no alternative

Literally -  genuinely

Other half -  Husband, wife, girl friend, boyfriend

Nibbles - Canapes

Many more but will keep those for another day.


Sand and Pebbles in 2 Bags

Vernon comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got 2 large bags over his shoulder. The Guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand and Pebbles,” answered Vernon. “We’ll just see about that said the Guard. Get off the bike.” The Guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he finds nothing in them but sand and pebbles. He detains Vernon overnight and has the sand and pebbles analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but sand and pebbles in the 2 bags. The Guard releases Vernon, puts the sand and pebbles in to new bags, hefts them on to his shoulders and lets him cross the border. The next day the same thing happens. The Guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand and Pebbles,” answered Vernon. The Guard does a thorough investigation and tells Vernon that he can go on and cross the border.  This sequence of events happens every day for 6 months. Finally Vernon doesn’t turn up one day and the Guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. He says, “Hey Buddy, I know you are smuggling something and it’s driving me crazy, I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” “Bicycles,” replied Vernon.


QUIZ TIME  - You are clever – I had more entries for the Canine Crossword than I expected and most of them were correct, so into my Easter Bonnet they went and I drew out Penny Potter – Congratulations and your Prize is waiting for you. This month we are testing your literary expertise with a GREAT HOLIDAY READS Quiz and the closing date will be 10.00am on the 27th of April.


2 reminders for you – 12th of May from 2.00pm to 4.00pm TABLE TOP SALE AND TOMBOLA and the COMMUNITY CENTRE QUIZ NIGHT ON THE 25TH OF MAY.

Both are very popular events, so book your places now.


Best Wishes,


Cathy Kennealy