Stewards Newsletter

August 2018

Hallo and welcome to our August News. I am starting to write this in mid-July and I have just heard on the radio that we have not had any rain since the 29th of May. This is the first time I’m glad that I gave up the allotment – it used to take me 18 journeys with the watering cans to the trough to water everything. Mine was one of the original plots and when I gave up it was divided into 2 allotments.


Lots of things happening in August:-

There are still some tickets available for the matinee performance of Phantom Of The Opera on the 23rd August in London – tickets £65.00 each.   Also, please do not leave it too late to book for EVITA at The Kings Theatre for the evening performance on 13th November – tickets £42.00 per person.


If you have booked for these excursions, could you please make sure you pay the balance as soon as possible!


The cost of all our excursions include coach travel to and from the venue. Bookings for all the other Excursions for the remainder of the year are open now.


BANK HOLIDAY MONDAY 27TH AUGUST FAMILY FUN DAY AND CAR BOOT AT HAYLING PARK 10.00AM TO 2.00PM.


Attractions will include BEAT THE GOALIE, FACE PAINTING, HOOK A DUCK, BBQ, TEA ROOMS, TOMBOLA and much much more! To book a pitch, phone the above number. Cars £8.00, Charity Sellers £6.00, Vans £12.00 - NO TRADERS PLEASE.

Donations for the Tombola will be gratefully received.


Wonderful new Summer Menu now available at our T@THE PARK CAFÉ - beautiful home-made cakes, pastries, quiches etc. and there’s more - on production of a valid Community Centre annual subscription card, you will receive a 10% discount!


QUIZ Thanks again for your entries and the winner drawn at random from all the correct entries is MARY EARP. Congratulations and a bottle of wine is waiting for you. There won’t be a Quiz in August because too many of you will be on holiday but instead I am attaching a letter that Gerrard Hoffnung (well known personality in the 50’s and 60’s) read to the Oxford Union when he addressed them during this period.


50 Shades of Grey from my Pam Ayres book (a husband’s point of view)


The missus bought a paperback down Shepton Mallet Way.

I had a look inside her bag and t’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well, I just left her to it and at 10 I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared and the sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope and the right a whip.

She threw them down upon the floor and then began to strip.

Well, 50 years or so ago, I might have had a peek.

But Mabel hasn’t weathered well, she’s 94 next week.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get much grimmer,

things went from bad to worse and she toppled off her Zimmer!

She stood there pink and naked behind a Rubic Cube,

I went to kiss her on the cheek but stood on her left boob.

Now if you knew our Mabel you’d know just why I spluttered.

I’d spent 2 months in traction for the last complaint I’d uttered.

I can say no more about what else occurred that day.

Suffice to say that my jet black hair has turned 50 Shades of Grey.


I did a piece about LEXOPHILIA in the June News and some of our readers have sent me some more.

England has no Kidney Bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Venison for dinner again. Oh! Deer.

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

This girl said she recognised me from the Vegetarian Club, but I’d never met Herbivore.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went and then it dawned on me.

Don’t worry about old age, it doesn’t last.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


Enjoy the summer. 


Cathy Kennealy